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Beyond 'bad luck' - looking within

This note is about getting past bad luck in relationships. It's not about blaming yourself.

The world is full of things we can't control, including the fate of relationships. However, what we do have is influence.

To improve your chances of relationships turning out more as you'd like, you need to learn more about your powers of influence - while recognising that the aim is not to control a story that someone else has an equal part in. Equally important is not blaming yourself, if things end in a way you're not happy with - which will only reinforce other unhelpful beliefs.

But how can you avoid blame, if you accept the influence you have on how a relationship turns out?

Here are two reasons why blame is not the answer:

  1. You're not the whole story of why things turned out as they did.
  2. Blame, or finding personal fault, is really just an unnecessary middleman between regret and learning (not that you should dwell on regret either).

Without the dead weight of blame (or other judgements) or the illusion of control, you can be much more receptive to what's true for you and the other person in the present moment. In this way your connections will become far richer, deeper and more fulfilling. When that happens, that "I'm just unlucky in love" story has a much better chance of becoming a thing of the past.

Reader Resources: 
References to the book, to help you go deeper into the above content.
  • Section: 'Untangling values, beliefs and desires'   Shows how our habits of thought and behaviour can actually sabotage our chances of happiness - and what to do about it.
  • Section: 'Get your fresh roles here'   Explores how the kind of relationships we're used to can set us up for more of the same. Also shows how change in how we relate to ourselves and others possible and natural.
  • Section: 'Conflict in a nutshell'   Talks about the common causes of rifts in relationships and introduces some effect ways of avoiding and mending them.
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